by Jenna Kim

I used to work in insurance so telling people at the rare party I go to these days that I’m a doula at least doesn’t send them to sleep. Some people are instantly intrigued and pepper me with a million questions, but the most common response is ‘Is that like a midwife?’

I can see why people think that. As doulas we’re there to support people as they welcome new additions to their families. You can see us in hospitals, though unlike midwives you wouldn’t really be able to tell who we are. Both doulas and midwives want positive outcomes for birthing women and see healthy babies arrive earthside. We’re there for safety and security. Whilst doulas aren’t the medical backstop midwives are, we are the gatekeepers of mothers' hearts.  I’m always quick to draw the distinction that I am not medically trained, but there to support the parents. Doula Natalie Meddings once described it as being a sherpa. The mother is doing the work, doulas are there to help navigate the unfamiliar path having led others through its tricky twists and turns.

Once people have got their heads around the distinction they’re often still left puzzled as to what doulas actually do and why a woman would need one if they have a midwife. I explain that I’m often there from much earlier in the journey, though some bookings can be last minute panics. Doulas also stay for the whole birth, helping create a safety net that supports families between the midwife shift change, coming and going consultants, anaesthetists, porters, hospital workers. I’ll have had the opportunity to build a relationship. I’ll have seen the family in their home environment, understand how they operate as a team, and know if they’re coffee or tea people. Of course I’m there for the birth itself, but so much of the support comes in the days and weeks before and after the big day. Packing hospital bags, venting frustrations about due dates arriving and passing, providing reassurance they’re not the first or last to worry. So much of the reassurance doulas provide has nothing to do with training or knowledge. It’s about trust. As one of my mothers said to me, “the moment you arrived all I could remember was looking into your eyes in the dim darkness of the bedroom and knowing things were going to be ok”.

We’re also there in the hours and days after families move from two to three, three to four or more. Making tea and toast, sitting next to feeding mothers milky and tearful. Giving reassurance that this too shall pass and they’re not alone. I have the privilege of watching parents being born and transition into their new roles with all its highs and stumbles.

So now we’ve established the difference between the roles. Then there's the quip of “ah, but what about the dads or partners?” I love this question because it comes from the misconception that only one person can truly fulfil the role of the ‘birth partner’. Sometimes in the birth room it’s hard to get feedback that what you’re doing is working/helping/making a difference from labouring mothers. Partners are different. I’ve exchanged reassuring smiles, knowing looks, even the odd solidarity eye roll with stressed and worried partners. Some partners step into their role with relish, mopping brows, providing reassurance and loving words, but some genuinely struggle seeing their loved one struggling. As a doula I serve both and would never see myself replacing a partner.

If we’re still talking, people often then turn to why someone who had a seemingly ‘ordinary’ corporate career could possibly find themselves supporting families through childbirth. Each doula will have their own answer to this question. My own comes from the simple fact that I hired a doula for both my births and her support made my experience positive, memorable, fast, safe, fun and life changing in more ways than I can describe. My doula changed my birth from a life event that I thought I had to grit my teeth and get through to a life-affirming experience I am proud of. Being present at the moment new life comes into this world is an honour and privilege. Although I’m early on in my experience, I hope I never lose being in awe of what we rightly refer to as ‘the miracle of birth’.

“I guess the best part of your job must be all the newborn cuddles, you must love babies!” I challenge anyone not to have a small part of their heart melt when they see a slippery newborn lying on their parent’s chest gazing up at them. But I'm not in it for the babies. I’m in it for the mothers, the parents, the families, society. I’m bringing the village to them. Encouraging them to ask for help, seek wisdom and advice, connecting them with their community be that lactation consultants, womens physios, babywearing experts. Listening to their worries and concerns, celebrating the small wins and reassuring them they are not alone. We’re told thousands of people give birth every day, but for each family I support this may be the only time or one of few times. We know the memories both good and bad will last a lifetime. They deserve it to be the life affirming event we all dream and hope it will be.

Jenna is a birth doula who started her career in Surrey and trained with Laura Stocks and Zara de Canole of Developing Doulas. Prior to working as a birth doula she worked as a senior leader in Human Resources in Insurance, founding initiatives to help parents return to work and gain support through baby loss. She’s a babywearing enthusiast and now brings her experience and skills to parents in New Hampshire, USA where she emigrated in the autumn of 2023.

www.jennakimdoula.com